GruSum

Age: 3.141592653589793238
Weight: iψt = −½ψxx + κ|ψ|2ψ

His fingers were blessed by the goddess Onaip, but on his 13th birthday his soul was invaded, pillaged and broken by soldiers for the Muzak Corporation. Now GruSum wanders through the tawdry depths of Download Alley, reminding people that nothing is free, and that it is the Kerching of Money, not the BeBop of Music, that will provide the soundtrack to our lives. Stay well clear of this miserable muse - once his ringtone enters your head, he’ll torment you like tinnitus for the rest of your days.

Caro of the Garden

Age: 21
Weight: Size 0

Her heart as cold as a dead Norwegian, her soul in recession, her joy awakened only during prime-time, she is Caro of the Garden, Thatcher’s daughter, hungry for a world without community, desperate to sink her iFangs into any last remaining vein of hope she sees. If she catches you, you will not escape; your soul will be sold (for less than market value) and you will become one more machinist in her global workforce...Run
Away!

The Viking

Age: 3 millenia
Weight: 2 tonnes

Some say he spends the winter months roaming the frosty plains of the Nordic tundra, searching for unclaimed lottery tickets. His fingernails are worn and blackened from years spent scraping at icy pools, mistaking them for scratchcards. Having worked briefly as a Susan Boyle tribute act in the decaying coastal resorts of his native Denmark, he now bellows Eurovision songs into the early hours. If you hear him cover your ears, if you see him avert your eyes. If he asks you if you’re Simon Cowell, say no!

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